I had an annoying day today. Day started off with me having problems writing my “review” for the book about therapeutic alliance and suicidal patients. I couldn’t get Endnote to work with word 2007 and then when I thought I had it all worked out, it didn’t so I had to uninstall-reinstall everything for it to work. Then when I typed up the damn paper, it sounded stupid so I left it with the 2 paragraphs. I was going to work on it when I got home from work, but the more I thought about it being stupid, the more I figured why bother finishing it.
After I left a dialysis site, I got hit with psychache really bad and started crying. Last night’s episode of CSI NY really got to me. So much so, I really didn’t see the ending, though I am sure they had some public announcement about seeking help for suicide and depression. I just really want to die. I just can’t face living anymore. I leaked again today and I can’t figure out why seeing as I take CNS depressants that would cause retention. I got a lot of reasons for dying, not too many for living, though today I was talking with a good friend and she wanted me to live with her for a while because she felt so bad and wanted to help. I don’t think I can because I hate imposing on someone or them “watching” me because I am a suicidal risk. And I know my friend, she WILL watch me, not like I will do anything in her home, but she will look out for me. Maybe it will be better than being in the hospital, I don’t know. All I do know is that my heart is so heavy it’s at my feet. My doc wants to meet with me on Monday in the ER where I work. I told her I will see her only if she promises not to commit me. But I know it’s going to be the same story. I go in, maybe cry because I don’t know what else to do, and I leave, no scripts just a pat on the back maybe and see you in a week, call me if you want to go in the hospital. We both know that there isn’t a new or old medication that can help. I have been on them all. TCA’s, SSRi’s, NSRI, NRI’s, mood stabilizers, you name it, I have been on it. Only exception is effexor and that is only because my stomach cannot handle it with the GERD. I feel completely hopeless because I know I am hopeless. But I do what everyone else wants me to do…appear to be happy and work. I just go to work because it takes my mind of things and I work to keep my mind off things, putting in long hours. I don’t have a social life, never really wanted one. I don’t really want to be in a relationship because it would be too much of a burden on them.
I am forced to live when I don’t want to. Ok, technically no one is really forcing me by holding a gun to my head but the “guilt” is what sometimes prevents me from going ahead with the half dozen plans that I have in my head. I realized in the last few weeks that I need my therapist in my life if only to keep me alive. I don’t want to see her, I want things to end between us yet I know that if I don’t have her in my life, I am as good as dead. It’s like the Zac Brown Band’s song, whatever it is: she got whatever it is that somehow keeps the demons at bay.
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