what DIVINE stands for

DIVINE stands for Dialysis Infection and Vitamin D In New England.

I have been in pain most of the day but I did get some stuff done. I changed my sheets and vacuumed my room a little bit.  The snow storm hit pretty bad so I didn’t venture out at all.  Besides, after about 30 mins in any position my back starts to act up. I hope that tomorrow it will be better.

I finished Mount Misery last night. Interesting book about psychiatry. I got a lot of questions for my therapist when I see her.  She still wants me to see a noted Boston psychiatrist to deal with my suicidal tendencies but I’m not sure it will be helpful. The guys is purely analytical and doesn’t talk much during session. Sure he will respond to a question without a question usually, but for the most part he waits for you to speak whatever and then waits for a thoughtful response. Every time I meet with him things go well, but then I start thinking about things and my mind just won’t shut off.  Besides, it’s not like he is going to give me an “ah ha” experience and my depression and suicidality is going to go away. I am tired of being me. Period. I never expected to live into adulthood but because of one reason or another, I am here and I so wish I wasn’t.  I realized last year, around this time, that I can never be who I want to be, and that is a male. Sure, my therapist and adult best friend are supposedly cool with it. My therapist isn’t trying to say I am crazy and make me think that I am delusional because I truly believe I am in the wrong body. She goes with it and that is fine but still uses the wrong pronouns. Same with my best friend. I know he probably didn’t mean it. But when he compared me to a sister he never had, it hurt.  I should just die in this body as I am because even if I could ever afford a change, I doubt people will accept me. I mean, shit. People were going ape shit just for my name change alone.  How are they to get used to seeing me as him instead of her?  I loathe myself every day and even though my stinking therapist thinks she is ok with it, she only thinks about it if I mention it AND the question that usually follows is, am I having my menses. No dumb ass. I am looking at my chest and want to perform my own mastectomy. Sure, now that my menses have been stopped by taking actual female hormones, I don’t feel as suicidal every month around that time of the month. But I can’t look down anymore. With stupid weight gain, I got bigger and I HATE it so much so I want to end my life.  What I think is actually ironic is that my state, Massachusetts (or taxachusetts as some people call it) actually have promoted a program to prevent transgender suicides.  I don’t get it.