For the past month, I have been in some serious pain. My foot has been really bothering me and nothing seemed to help except for taking pain meds when it got to the point of not being able to bear weight on it. I needed a refill of meds so made an appt with my PCP to fill him in. I am glad I did because I have a stress fracture in my foot. Nothing traumatic happened but I am willing to be bet a severe spasm caused it to break a bone in my foot. I was supposed to see the foot doc last week, but the day before, I some how ending up taking out my back. I couldn’t move for most of the week and my hip was hurting pretty good so I thought I really messed up my back or caused a muscle tear in my hip. After nearly collapsing on the stairs while going up to my room the other night, I finally decided to go to the ER. At first they thought it was a hernia but tests were negative so they think I might have strained a ligament. I still have the burning hip pain in my back and am kind of stiff, but the pain has been manageable since leaving the ER.
I haven’t seen my therapist in over a week. We have been having phone sessions because I can’t walk or sit too long without pain. I managed to work this weekend but by the end of the night, I was still hurting. I must be twisting something while I am walking because even while I was taking a step that I thought was normal caused a twinge in my back and buttocks. Right now it feels like I have a hot poker in the back of my hip/back area. I was going to cancel the appt with the Neurosurg but now I am thinking it might be a good idea. I am calling my PCP tomorrow as I know I did something and I think I might need PT to work things out again.
Mood wise, I have been up and down. One minute I am fine, the next I want to hang myself from the nearest beam. I had bozo read the chapt by Goldblatt in Jobes’ book. All she got was it was me trying to tell her to get support. DUH. That was part of it. I forgot most of what I read because I really didn’t keep a notebook on it. I finally got the book that Goldblatt has written a chapter on and it is impressive. Part of the reason I have been thinking about him, is that I have been contemplating having a psychoanalytic therapy with him to see if that helps with my suicidality but I feel so hopeless that I don’t even want to try it. I have no reason to live, I don’t want to live. I just continue to live because it is expected of me and people want me to be around. Yet I am in pain every single day and being in a different body every day takes its toll on me. I live a lie every day, put a smile on when all I want to do is chop my head off or strangle myself in some fashion. I would OD but that has not worked in the past and I am too afraid of it failing again that I can fathom going through with that plan again.
My research boss has given me a huge project to do right before I am to go on vacation. I am more than pissed off. But I am going to do as much as I can then say arriverdici. I am going to DC. I just hope that I can walk and not be in so much pain every day. I know that I will be doing a lot of walking as I will be touring but fuck I can barely walk more than a few blocks right now as it is.
