Been feeling lost the past few days. Tonight I find myself wondering the could haves and would haves. I'm not sure I would be better or worse. I just know that my chest is hurting and there is not anything anyone or anything that can make it stop. It's called psychache and no amount of aspirin will relieve it. It compiled with physical pain will drive me to a sucidal crisis faster than lightening strikes the chrystler building. I just want the pain to end. I have realized I might have to make my death look like an accident that doesn't hurt too many people in the process. I could go to a cheap hotel but most places you need a credit card and I don't have one anymore. No one does anything for cash. It's a commodity no one can afford.
Today was a good day except now I am paying for the hr or two I spent playing with my 7 yrs niece. Yes she will miss me but I don't really care. I've been angry with people who have been using guilt to keep me alive. Yes my death will suck but if I was a dog in pain, i'd have been put out of my misery years ago. Too bad we don't have the same compassion for HUMANS as we do for animals. For animals, we are being "humane" for humans we are told to suck it up or as the Brits say, chin up. There is my suffering and it goes on daily yet no one knows what it entails each day, how every day I want to end the pain in my chest that kills me every single day or the pain that is in my ankle. Maybe my ankle is a type of referred pain where it hurts and only narcotic pain meds are able to relieve it whereas with psychache, nothing helps that ache, the total desperation you feel when you know you are drowning and no one knows it but you. The ache of terror that you have to live like this day in and out with no escape from your self. Just the constant ache that prevents you from breathing at times...and you swear you wish you had the control to stop it, to tell your brain it would be ok to stop and your heart to stop beating because it is breaking inside. But the autonomic nervous system doesn't operate that way and my heart and lungs go on working as they do though it is sooo damn painful....
24 June 2012
Midnight demons at it again
20 June 2012
Wolf call answered
I have not had a good last few days. My mood has been bleak due to physical pain that is so breathing taking all I can think about is either cutting myself or killing myself. The demons are back with a vengence because I cannot cope with physical pain on top mental pain. I wish I could but I no longer have the strength. I grow tired very easily, I am exhausted beyond words can describe and my brain keeps coming up with elaborate ways of ending my life. The lasted plan is by hanging myself on the support beams of a local bridge. I just want the pain to end. Lately I have been thinking about drinking because I have been so angry. I'm not sure who I am angry at, I just am. But I know that if I drink the way I am feeling the likelyhood of me going through with my thoughts will increase 10 fold. I try to avoid alcohol but sometimes I figure what the fuck, who cares. But I have been sober for a good few months. I'm not an alcoholic, I just like to drink but I know the consequences of drinking while depression greatly increase the likelyhood of a suicide attempt and I know that if I put my plan in motion there will be no going back. Hanging is pretty lethal...
My therapist wants me in the hospital because I have been having some dissociative episodes lately. I don't want to go but seeing as I'm not working, it will give me some structure instead of just sitting on my hands.
I hate myself, actually I think despise is more like it. I hate everything about me so why can't I just end my pain by killing myself? I just can't stand living anymore. It just hurts too much...