Wolf call answered

I have not had a good last few days. My mood has been bleak due to physical pain that is so breathing taking all I can think about is either cutting myself or killing myself. The demons are back with a vengence because I cannot cope with physical pain on top mental pain. I wish I could but I no longer have the strength. I grow tired very easily, I am exhausted beyond words can describe and my brain keeps coming up with elaborate ways of ending my life. The lasted plan is by hanging myself on the support beams of a local bridge. I just want the pain to end. Lately I have been thinking about drinking because I have been so angry. I'm not sure who I am angry at, I just am. But I know that if I drink the way I am feeling the likelyhood of me going through with my thoughts will increase 10 fold. I try to avoid alcohol but sometimes I figure what the fuck, who cares. But I have been sober for a good few months. I'm not an alcoholic, I just like to drink but I know the consequences of drinking while depression greatly increase the likelyhood of a suicide attempt and I know that if I put my plan in motion there will be no going back. Hanging is pretty lethal...
My therapist wants me in the hospital because I have been having some dissociative episodes lately. I don't want to go but seeing as I'm not working, it will give me some structure instead of just sitting on my hands.
I hate myself, actually I think despise is more like it. I hate everything about me so why can't I just end my pain by killing myself? I just can't stand living anymore. It just hurts too much...