Jupiter is a funny planet

Been struggling with voices most of my life and think now I am going finally whacko. I just can't seem to break out of the psychosis and firmly believe that if I cut my leg open, my problems will be solved. It is curious that I miss one dose of my med, that little pink pill that holds the key to my sanity and all hell breaks lose. I can't fricken sleep because my head is a jumble.
I have been watching the show 'perception' on TNT and can't help but think that is me. I don't see things but I just hear the same voice and when I'm in a psychotic state that voice becomes another person, another tone, another character all its own. No this is no altering of egos, least I don't think so only because I interact with them on a regular basis that truly is what I hear. I can have a conversation all on its own merit based on whatever. Sometimes it is intellectual, like the show portrays, sometimes it is just the criticism of what I am doing. Constant hounding of not making my eggs "right" or walking the wrong way to get somewhere, to why am I taking this bus versus that bus, all the fricken time...

Invisible disease

Depression and chronic pain can be ckassified as an invisible disease because even if we tell people about it, and unless we look it, they are not going to believe we are in pain or are depression. Why? Because we look and act like everyone else, "normal". We don't act like a psychopath so therefore we are "ok" and should cheer up. I hate those 2 words. And it's usually followed by "things could be worse". I want to tell you if someone said that to me right now i'd deck them and tell them yea, I'm planning to kill myself so things are already worse ya moron!!
A friend of mine pissed me off, actually two did within the last 24 hrs. All for the same reason, they don't think I'm a disabled person. I admit that I don't like to be in that category but it's taken me 9 months to come to the realization I will never be happy nor will I ever walk normally ever again.

I'm all ready so depressed I have had two hospitalizations in 3 months for psych. I'm constantly suicidal yet no one sees it or wants to hear about it. I try not to think about ending my life but it has become so automatic for me now soon as something bad happens it is the first thing I think about. I want to be dead because I simply do not find life worth living anymore. I'm so dead inside that I just wish my brain would turn off permanently. But that only happens like never. They say that is you meditate deep enough you can start to regulate your breathing and heart rate but it takes a lot of practice and patience. I don't have time for that. My only objective would be to control it to stop it, which soon as I passed out adrenaline would kick in and I would start breathing and my heart rate would be back to normal again. Now putting a plastic bag over your head, that is something I'm toying with. A neighbor was found dead in the basement that way. It has been stuck in my mind for months now. And he was good too. He tied his hands up after placing the bag over his head. That is what I was planning to do with my hanging plan, place handcuffs on before jumping and strangling myself. I don't know why I am writing about this but I am and I am sorry you are reading my deranged suicidal thoughts but this is who I am. My suicidal career has taught me a lot of things over the years and that is a good lethal plan is much better than a non lethal plan.
Speaking of which, my PCP is now scared that I might overdose on my pain medicine. I told him I am more worried about the tylenol content than the pain medicine ok. I don't want to try and kill myself, fail, and then die a painful death because my liver fails on me. No thank you!! I then told him about the plastic bag. He still said that if I feel really blue and want to overdose to call him. He hears me soooo well. Here I am telling him I will die with a bag over my head and he still thinks I'm going to take pills. Wtf. And they wonder why the health care is so poor. Because doctor don't listen to their patients. Hell least mine asks about my suicidality more than most doctors will. Some doctors are too afraid thinking the myth that if they ask they will be putting it in their patient's head...

I guess I am done with my rant for now even though I know I went completely off topic with the title. But if my doctor was able to physically see my suicidality or my pain, I bet he would have no problems treating me and maybe he would have a little more compassion and empathy and possibly trust me when I tell him I'm not going to OD.

Dark thoughts no one talks about

Been thinking the last few days of how this blog has changed my life but yet the demons of my mental illness still play their cards. I have not really thought of ending my life today, until now because the physical pain I am experiencing is driving the voices mad. I forgot to take my medication this morning. I was excited in seeing a close friend and just forgot. The price you pay for sanity is a little pink pill. The voices have created this delusion that if I cut my leg open, I will be free from pain. I cannot help but see their point in this line of thinking. I have done everything to try and sooth my pain but cut. Maybe the release of endorphins is what I need to get over the pain but part of me knows I will not feel the release because my leg is numb. The last time I tried cutting which was a few years ago it was a god awful sound of cardbord being cut that I never want to experience again. Who would have thought that being numb had its vantage points. But that is what nerve damage does to you. It numbs you, making you jaded of the things around you. And then when the psychosis starts you begin to wonder what is truth and what is fantasy. I'm in a difficult spot because although I want to cut, I know the consequences of doing so. The chance of infection is greater because of lack of feeling or that I will feel the pain, just not right away like when I stub my toe on my left foot. Funny I remember when I was a kid I thought my left side was the "evil" side of me and had to be removed because my right side was the "superior" one and would defeat all. Yes I was psychotic back then but I always kept it hidden. See no one wants to know that you are crazy, like really mentally ill and depressed. They say things like cheer up or things could be worse. How can things be worse if you are already thinking of ending your life and you are hearing voices cheering you on, almost daring you to go through with it every day??? Yes, things could be worse. Life as a vegetable or state commitment to a psych hospital would be a terrible consequence of telling someone that they are NOT telling someone they are hurting. Every time I hear people tell a depressed person to cheer up it makes me so angry because they are so ignorant. I want to shout at that for being dumbasses because it only created guilt in the depressed person that is just trying to survive the day without incident. But throw in being psychotic and depressed, you have a different ballgame. Voices are constantly criticizing everything you do. You don't tell anyone because I've learned that only the voices care. The voices are with you 24/7 and they know you better than the person that is saying cheer up. That person then becomes the enemy, the object of paranoia where the voices scream that he or she is going to kill you. To beware of what he or she is saying and doing because now they are after you and are going to kill you. This is what I deal with on a constant basis. So the next time a friend tells you they are down, don't tell them to cheer up. Find out what is making them sad because if it is psychosis, you might end up being the bad guy...

Paranoia

Been in the hosp now for 11days and just had a psychotic episode after being dissociated for eight days. I don't know why I lost so much time or how I ended up in the hospital. I am pretty confused. They say I have been suicidal and I'm not anymore. I just want to Curr my leg. The voices think if I cut out the bad part I would be so much better. I just worry about blood loss as I would not be able to stitch myself up after cutting out the bad part.
I  agree with these voices. I know it is sad but I think they have the right idea. maybe then the pain will go away and I won't have to be on so much pain medication. I just want to live my life pain free. why is this so hard for these professionals to understand. I was recently asked to write a paper about my experiences about suicidal feelings and attempts. I had to turn it down because it is too triggering. when I do get out of the hospital I know that I will end up back in because I will do something. I just won't have anything else to live for. I am glad no one reads this blog to find out what I am thinking of. The voices will win and I will lose. that is all I want is freedom from pain, mental and psychological.

I don't know if I will i will be alive for much longer. i have always known that I will die by my own hand. I'm not sure why I feel this way or why I do. I just know that my time on this earth is limited and no one lives forever. I have been hearing voices since I was 5 yrs old. now is the time to end the suffering of all this pain...

Hospital

I have been back to the psych hospital for the past few days. Today has not been a good day as I had some incontinence that has left me feeling so devastated all because I couldn't get to the bathroom on time. My mood is so bleak. I just am constantly hounded by thoughts to end my life. My life is no longer worth living to me. It can't be with all this misery and pain. I just want it to end. I want the psychache to stop. I just cannot live like this anymore. It is heartbreaking to continue to live when your chest is so heavy from burdens (real or imagined it doesn't matter). You just wish you could stop breathing or make your heart stop beating. But it doesn't work that way. I am so full of despair my eyes could pop out. Maybe that is what I could do...pop my eyes out to end my life but if I fail and end up blind that will be worse. It will be another failure. And that is what stops me from ending my life most of the time: FAILURE. I am afraid that is I fail and I live I will be worse off than I was. Nothing hurts more than a failed suicide attempt. Nothing!

You might be wondering what it's like. It's nothing like the cuckoo's nest. You have checks, which is the adult babysitting system of the hospital. Then you have a check in or contact person you talk to during the course of his or her shift. Sometime you get a person that cares and will listen. Other times you get a real ass who doesn't know shit but tried to play it off that they know everything. These kind I avoid.

During the week you have groups that you are supposed to attend but I rarely do. Most center around a therapy that I do not like and think it is bullshit. Or the group is some type of arts and crafts but I'm sorry, I am an adult not a five yr old. So I do adult things like read books or write in my journal, solitary things that no one can bother me with. I'm happy with that. The hospital takes the stress of self harm away that you don't realize is there. It is the demon that keeps me awake at night and haunts my waking moments...