Paranoia

Been in the hosp now for 11days and just had a psychotic episode after being dissociated for eight days. I don't know why I lost so much time or how I ended up in the hospital. I am pretty confused. They say I have been suicidal and I'm not anymore. I just want to Curr my leg. The voices think if I cut out the bad part I would be so much better. I just worry about blood loss as I would not be able to stitch myself up after cutting out the bad part.
I  agree with these voices. I know it is sad but I think they have the right idea. maybe then the pain will go away and I won't have to be on so much pain medication. I just want to live my life pain free. why is this so hard for these professionals to understand. I was recently asked to write a paper about my experiences about suicidal feelings and attempts. I had to turn it down because it is too triggering. when I do get out of the hospital I know that I will end up back in because I will do something. I just won't have anything else to live for. I am glad no one reads this blog to find out what I am thinking of. The voices will win and I will lose. that is all I want is freedom from pain, mental and psychological.

I don't know if I will i will be alive for much longer. i have always known that I will die by my own hand. I'm not sure why I feel this way or why I do. I just know that my time on this earth is limited and no one lives forever. I have been hearing voices since I was 5 yrs old. now is the time to end the suffering of all this pain...