Bad few weeks (May 26, 2011)

The last few weeks I have been in a deep funk, made worse by the events of this week. Two weeks ago, I had a bowel accident. I had stayed in soiled underwear the whole day as I had no idea I was farting stool bubbles. I was mortified to say the least. I had to go back to work because of samples. It was the first week back from vacation and there were a lot of subjects. I went home, showered and changed and had therapy with my bozo. Towrds the end of session, I had a severe spasm in my left foot. This caused the intractable foot pain to start and I have been in pain ever since. This week (5/23) I had a bout of diarrheal illness. I really crapped my pants, twice. Once while passing gas and the other just by shifting in my seat. My mood has gone from worse to totally darkness. I have never felt so humiliated and demoralized. All I can think about is ending my life right now. The next day I see podiatry to find out what is wrong with my foot and he says NOTHING! All the structures look fine on the x-ray and even if I have an MRI, things will most likely be normal. It most likely ALL due to nerve pain. Just shoot me now. I have never felt do lousy as I do right now nor so damn hopeless. I have to be treated by yet another doctor who probably will have no clue how to help me nor have the adacedy to tell me the truth. I am so tired of living in pain every single moment of every since day. Bozo thinks I should be in the hospital but I don't think that will help. I'm just so damn frustrated. I have been doing the bare minimum at work, except I called out monday because of the puking and diarrhea. 

Since Tuesday when I saw the foot doc and he had no answers for me, I have just felt like the world ended. CES has continued to wreck my life. I cannot escape the nerve damage. I cannot escape the pain and that combine with the mental pain I deal with on a daily basis just makes me more suicidal every day. I just want to end the misery everyday. I told my therapist I would end my life this week but I have no energy for it. Imagine being so low that you can't even end your life because it just drains you.

Now to add to my aggravation, my neurologist won't be available next week as she won't be in the office. I reschedule for an afternoon appt and they need to hange the time, which I cannot do because my father is having surgery that day. The secretary then tells me the next fricken available is DECEMBER! WTF! I am so pissed off right now it's not funny. I'm emailing her and telling her I want a referral to another neuro as this is ridiculous.

Sent from my Palm Pre on the Now Network from sprint

Why do I continue to live?

I guess I am not as great a blogger as I wanted to be.  The past few weeks have been really busy with work and by the end of the night, all the energy I have left is for my gaming on Facebook.  Once again I have come at an impasse with my therapist.  I had last week off so I had some time to think about our relationship.  I came up with the same things that I have been thinking for a long time now: I don’t want to continue in treatment, I have no reason for living nor do I wish to live anymore. I just don’t have the energy to actually kill myself. I have not been depressed over the past few weeks. I just have been seriously of ending my life, usually by hanging, just for “fun”. Almost like a “double-dare” to myself.

Now that I am back to work and my research job realized just how much I do work my butt off, I really just want to end my life.  I’m needed yet I really don’t care.  I have become callous or maybe jaded, maybe both, to how others perceive me.  I just feel so dead inside. Not cauldron is stirring but yet I feel that if I don’t try and end my life, I might just go crazy. I have no intention of living any more yet I seem to do just that. I get dressed, go to work, fulfill my obligations and responsibilities yet nothing gives me pleasure or joy. I just do it because it keeps my mind off which tree branch will hold my weight.

My therapist has finally realized through a “consult of my own” the reasons for my misery and yet we are seeking the counsel of an outsider who deals with suicidality. I have often wondered if he would be of help. But how is he supposed to make me want to continue to live when I do not wish to breathe anymore.