Now my lower back is smarting, side of my leg, ankle, and foot is burning like no tomorrow. If I didn't have to go to work early, i'd take some neurontin but I can't risk a hangover and looks like i'm going to do a 12 hr shift. No one gets that I can't do this anymore. I can't even pathom it. I keep pushing through the pain because I know if I stay home, I will end up killing myself. All I wanted to do today was catch up on my tivo, change my sheets, and possibly make some room to get to my closet. Instead I slept most of the day, getting up at 4pm and then meeting up with some friends for coffee. Sheets and tivo not done. Then I find out I have 102 emails at work, 20 of them regarding my job because the person that was supposed to cover for me didn't and there was panic. How am I supposed to trust this person to cover for me when I am out of town in 20 days?? I'm just so sick of being the lone ranger, of having to deal with loads of responsibilities by myself with pain levels of 8-10 every day, lost sleep, and not having the will or drive to live every single day. I just cannot go on like this. My family doesn't care. My doctors don't care, my bosses don't care. They just want me to be around 24/7 because they don't want to feel the pain of my loss. What about my pain? What about my suffering? Am I just here to suffer so you don't feel bad? I'm so tired of this shit. I can't suck it up anymore. Every day I think about hanging myself at work just to stick it to them. MGH cares about pain my ass.
I just hope my pharmacy can refill my script for ativan and I can pay out of pocket because it's too early for my refill. I had to take extra because of everything that was going on with my eyes and mri's and then going psycho. My pdoc didn't want me taking my anti-psych meds if I had a pituitary issue so told me to take ativan instead. Sure it calmed me down but didn't help the paranoia or voices. Thankfully i'm not paranoid but the voices are still there telling me i'm an addict, criticize me all the time.
I really just wish I don't wake up tomorrow. I just hate being this miserable and having no one to tell it to. An untold story.
Sent from my Palm Pre on the Now Network from sprint
I really think you need to break the pain cycle. I have no doubt that many of your other problems would disappear if you could only break the cycle, and if that means opiates, then so be it. I have been on opiates for 10 years now. You need to find a medico who is willing to break the pain cycle. I wish I could find that person for you.
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