Crazy thoughts (Mar 25, 2011)

The past two weeks have been stressful because I have had eye problems and back problems. This has increased my anxiety levels which has also increased my paranoia and delusions that someone is going to kill me. My whacky brain has decided that snakeheads are after me and the only thing I can think of that relates to this is the villians in Stargate the Jaffa or G'oulds. The voices are not making this easy. They are keeping me up at night (like tonight) try to prevent me from sleeping.  I so jus want to die.

After these consecutive MRI's, they found nothing wrong with my head or lumbar. Though I might have cysts in my pituitary that the neuro-opt guy is not worried about. Fucking great. My psych wanted me to call her today to see what happened and I just told her I would call her tomorrow. I really didn't want to talk to anyone. I'm just so fucking pissed that I just need to keep doing what I am doing. In other words, nothing is wrong physically with you so just continue to suffer in pain because there is no other treatment for you. No option for my migraines, so i'm just going to tell my neuro to prescribe me fioricet as the triptans my insurance won't cover.

I've been so damned stressed and having bad AH that they keep telling me i'm an addict. Because of this I just don't take the ativan or vicoden when I really in severe pain.  I will only pop an ativan or two if I have spasms in my foot.  I had them real bad about 23 hrs ago. My foot is still sore as my muscles were so contorted. But nothing is wrong with me. I'm just living with chronic pain and is sucks so bad all I can think about now is ending my life.  I so want to learn to make a noose and put my plan in motion about hanging at my job. Why? Because even though they portray signs saying "they care about pain" they never do a damn thing about it. For 10 yrs I have been living this way and all I get is the bad news about how vicoden leads to "other" problems. Fioricet leads to rebound headache, whatever that is. All I know is my vision is blurred and my right eye is painful to light and sound when I sometimes don't even have a headache. But nothing is wrong with me.

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