In Oct of 2011, we got word that my workplace was discontinuing my insurance and I would be forced to change to another plan. While it is cheaper by a hundred dollars, my biggest worry was how to get my therapist a provider so that I didn’t have to pay so much per visit. Not that I am paying much now but still, $50 per session versus $15 is a HUGE difference. Then my car broke down and although I was able to see her if I was able to swing it with my work, the last two months of the year, I think I only saw her maybe twice. The majority of the time we talk on the phone and it has been a problem. I finally said enough when signals got crossed and she royally pissed me off. We no longer are on the same page on anything. She has her views, I have mine and I think it is time to move to on to see someone closer. Oh, forgot to mention she consolidated her offices Labor day so she now lives 30 miles away from me.
Friday, I finally made a few phone calls. One was to a referral by a friend. The other was from a name I picked up on the internet through my insurance of providers and a little Google help. We’ll call her MN. She called me back today and we spoke a little bit but I think I am going to have to cross her off my list as she is not comfortable with high risk patients aka suicidal patients. I was thinking this over as Mary Chapin was playing on my MP3 player. I felt like leaving her a message saying I have thought about what you have said and am no longer interested but you might want to read the works of David Jobes, a suicidologist who has the guts to actually try and help those that need it the most. Now I know why Man’s Greatest doesn’t have a table for suicide prevention week…they just like to pass these patients on like cattle with mad cow disease.
In another update, I have rekindled with my first love. It has been weird as we still have the same chemistry and think of each other often, almost calling each other soon as we think of one another like old times. Though we have been apart for seven years, it seems like no time has passed at all. Luckily, long distance is a LOT cheaper than it was so it isn’t costing us a fortune to talk to one another like it once did. I have only seen her twice and that is mostly because of work.
Ending with my currently therapist is and has been difficult. She still thinks that we are still going to be in this but I really don’t see how. She is stubborn and I am just as stubborn but I am the consumer so I have to have the upper hand even if she thinks I don’t have it. I am grateful for all she has done but I think it’s time to end things now. If I don’t find a therapist, then fine. I’ll just go on my own way. Not like I have not done it before. I think if I blog every night or try to, it might help release the midnight demons that put the death hold on me at times.
On a positive note, my essay on “Analysis of a song” might get published, if I can get permission for the copyrights of the lyrics. I am very excited about that.
I hope that 2012 is going to be a better year for us all... 2011 was a really tough year. Like you, I have had problems with my medical insurance (I stayed with the same company, as no one else will touch me, but they changed their rules so that according to them I do not have a chronic condition, therefore they do not have to cover my meds...). Like you I also met up with my first love - although nothing re-kindled (we are each happily married to others), but there is a special relationship there, which is difficult to describe, but lovely to have. I had thought that all my hospital visits were behind me at the start of last year, after having my shoulders done in '10. But that changed with ops on elbow & then another fusion, this time in my neck. I am left with a weakened left arm, and at some stage I have to have the same elbow op done on right arm. But that 3 months in hospital, meant 3 months not earning. I also had a huge tax bill to pay from the previous year. I then had a small fortune to find to cover my medical expenses, as the insurance wriggled out of most of the costs... I finished the year stoney broke...and then to add insult to (many) injuries, I get a massive bill from my cell phone people (like 20 times bigger than normal), which i am now fighting...
ReplyDeleteBut I am beginning to share your midnight demons...but mine appear at around 4am. I wake up with numb hands...& it takes time for feeling to return. I know it is to do with my neck as it is directly related to what position I sleep in. The demons taunt me that this situation could be worsening...and I am facing life as a quadriplegic...something I am pretty convinced I cannot do.
To match your positive note...I am also in the porcess of publishing a paper. I have been asked to present a paper at a conference in the winter here.
Here's hoping that 2012 is going to be a good one for us both.
Hmmm...still getting tricky here. Sue wants me to see the surgeon as she knows that I am having problems. I am certain I know what they will say, and I don't want to hear it. The 4am demons were in full song last night. I sat on our balcony contemplating...not a good thing to do...
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