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15 September 2011
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I cannot sleep. Pain is keeping me up and sending me to a bad place like it always does at this late hour. I have taken vicodin but it still hasn't touch the pain. It is very quiet in my room (other than the constant bickering in my head). I need the sound machine on to drown out my thoughts. I really want to do something harmful but not sure what. I'm going mental. I don't know what is real anymore. I feel like I am in a dream yet I know I am not sleeping. Very weird but I don't care. I took 4 mg perphenazine tonight and still the voices are harping. I seriously don't know how much longer I can stave them off.
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well...I know you hear the voices...but I hear you. Also finding sleep a little tricky - not for the same reasons though. Sure there are the standard aches & pains, but that is just background these days. For me it is panic that I am rapidly becoming less & less able. Already in a wheelchair, but now with limited strength and stamina in my left arm it is making life much more of a struggle... Everyone keeps suggesting a power chair, but then they don't understand; if I go to a power chair then I lose my independence, as I would not be able to load & unload the chair into my car myself. This year should have been a good one - I made it through a hectic period at work for the previous 2 years...and I got my shoulders done. All should have been well... But then arm went wrong, and I ended up having 2 extended & expensive hospital stays while I went through the operations...so that cost money, and I clearly could not earn while inside. I also decided to use the time to sort out the mess that my old accountant had left my business in. Huge accountancy bills, as they went back, and found all manner of mistakes. They ended up costing me a fortune, to find out that we owed the tax man a fortune (which the tax man then slapped interest & penalties on top of, even though we found it, and went to them to explain...). Then I get messed around on 2 big contracts, which has meant that they have not paid me yet for the last 6 months work on either project... So money is tight...and I need to work harder...but I just can't do what I used to do. I thought that 1999 (when the CES & Arach hit) was my worst year, but this one is getting worse by the week. I can usually stop the mind from wandering at night by listening to podcasts about particle physics...or listen to an audio book by Richard Feynman...but recently that has not been working. During the day I can stay busy enough, so I don't or can't stop and think. But night time is becoming the worst periods. While I have limited stamina in my arm, it actually also means that I cannot really exhaust myself, physically, so I fall into a deep sleep...I fade in & out of sleeping...often getting up for a couple of hours, sitting outside & smoking, trying to keep my mind off my situation by identifying stars & constellations...although that doesn't work well either. The only good point is that Sue's job means that she works long hours & very hard, so I don't tend to disturb her when I get up...
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