It's almost 3 am and I can’t sleep. I am very tired but my thoughts are in a dark place. I decided to work on my little research survey and found that it was harder to put on paper than it was to think it up in my head.
My pain levels are still through the roof, though the meds seem to be helping tonight. Yesterday I didn’t think I was ever going to fall asleep. Thursday I had a phone session with bozo and told her I wanted to die this weekend. Course I have been saying that for months now. Today I really did want to do die because I am so frustrated that I cannot find relief in dealing with my pain and my leg being swollen is not helping my mood any. I just want to cut my foot off at the ankle. I’m so tired of being in pain every day and no one knows what to do about it. My pcp has decided to put me in a boot for 2 wks. It that doesn’t work, I am not sure what to do. I might have to be on bed rest completely and that thought is not helping me as I will go fucking nuts just sitting around the house doing nothing when there is so much work to do for my research job. I feel like I am on this merry-go-round that just bring me going from doc to doc and not getting any real answers. I just don’t want to live anymore. I have no desire to live to see tomorrow. I only do because my body has decided to continue to do the body functions that allow me to live. I have thought of so many ways to end my life and I soooo want to go through at least one of them and I will, but it always is one day. I really don’t know if I am capable of ending my life anymore, I just seem to think that thinking about it is somewhat better than acting on it all the time. I know that might sound crazy but it’s true. I have thought about so many ways of ending my life the past few months and even prepared to do so yet I never seem to really act on going through with it. How pathetic is that?? I feel more like a loser because I say I am suicidal yet I have not acted on my thoughts or feelings for years now. Most I have done is take massive doses of neurontin but I know that doing so will not kill me. I am pathetic.
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