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Had a visit with my primary doc today and it went well. I got what I needed and now just need to settle for the month of what ifs until next month. We discussed the paper I sent him and agreed that though my intention was clear with him, his staff was a moron in handling it. Instead of getting the point of what my pain was meaning to me, they just focused on the small suicide part and disregarded everything else in the paper, which pissed me off. I had given this to my neurologist and my psychiatrist and if there was any suicidal warning in the paper, I think the white coats would have been thrown at me in a heart beat. But this is what it is, CYAM (Cover Your Ass Medicine). My neurological condition ignored and I am again just a mentally ill patient.

After my appt I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I came home and had something to eat as I hadn’t eaten anything all day. My foot was sore from walking around and felt like I was walking on hot pokers. I debated on taking something but decided against it because I didn’t want to be sleepy. Tonight the show Perception is on and I can’t wait to watch it but it is a few hours away. This show has found meaning to me with the parallels of the main character’s struggle with schizophrenia and my own battles with psychosis. I too have the main voices and the ones that come along just to haunt me.

I tried writing on my suicide attempt paper but it really did not hold my attention for long. I seem to have lost my writing ability for this for now. I ended up editing it a little bit trying to make it make sense a little more. My hopes of it being a sequel to my other paper have been dashed, as it is already so long there is no way I can introduce the lyrics now. Plus I have not felt strongly about this song in a long time so trying to get the juices flowing has been slow and uneventful. I wish I could turn and write the paper like I did the other but I had more to go on with the other than with this one. It has turned painfully personal and I just cannot let the human element of this new paper die with just what I have written. My experiences, though I do not know if they are valuable, have been injected into this and I can’t seem to remove them without taking away from the paper. Now I find myself writing about every attempt I have made in my life and the consequences of those actions. I don’t know if that is what people want to read about but I write about the aftermath and how it felt after each failed attempt. Maybe I have just given up on trying again and that is why it has been so long since I have attempted again. True I feel like the biggest failure in the world knowing this but how can I not. This is deeply personal talking about the lowest point in my life and wanting to end it all and then by some grace, still be forced to live on afterwards because of some kind of divine intervention. Of the many attempts I have tried, only 1 was medically serious to warrant a hospitalization. The others were not so serious but did lead me to another hospitalization. Since the age of sixteen I have had close to 30 hospitalizations. Most have been involuntary as I posed a danger to myself and it is law to hospitalize for that reason. I just wonder why I have survived this long. Am I suicidal if I don't attempt and just plan? We can go into the whole what makes a person a suicidal ideator vs an attempter but most would agreed prevention lies in before the attempt not after. We hear stories about suicides and their survivors but what you don't hear at all is about the attempter that survived. These truly are the ones that need the most attention to but because their world is so private no one really knows. Unless someone survives a shotgun wound or emmolation or hanging attempt, you often don't see the scars of attempters. True those that slice their wrist leave scars but most do survive to eventually tell their tale. There are countless overdoses every year that get under reported or if successful get ruled as accidental poisonings rather than suicides mostly to either spare the family the "shame" or because there was no clear indication that the poisoning was intentional. Most people believe that unless there is a suicide note, it is not a suicide because he or she wouldn't do that. I would say that the majority of people who attempt and fail feel too ashamed to admit what they have done and so cover their asses by saying it was an accident or just a foolish impulse but for those that succeed we will never know.