Another page turned

I have been thinking what to call my next blog and what to write but nothing has been coming so decided to just write whatever comes to mind. I'm still in a mini mental health war with my primary over my pain medications. I am really steamed for if I was to try and take my life with them I would have done so before now. I don't know aside from me having a husband what the discharge summary says about my last admission but it appears to have rattled my pcp, whom I have known for years, who has been prescribing me my meds for years. But now that I'm not working, he is worried and for no good reason. I have told him that if I plan on taking my life it will be via asphixiation (suffocating) myself with either a rope around my neck or a plastic bag over my head. I am done with the uncertainty of trying to overdose on pills as many have stated, it is difficult to kill the human body. I have overdosed quite a few times and though unpleasant, the result is that I am still alive. So I go through his motions of complicity but after one more time of the complicity I will tell him this is stupid...going to him every 2 wks is not helping me nor is it helping him other than getting to know me more often. I don't know...maybe the rules changed while I was inpatient and every mental health patient who has chronic pain has to go through this ordeal to be "safe" but if that were the case why hasn't my therapist or psychiatrist dropped him a note saying THEY are concerned and that I should be closely monitored. I think I will have my therapist talk to him and see if there can be an understanding. Yes I love my doc. Yes I need my meds but being harrassed over them because I have mental illness and suicidal tendencies is just not fair. If I had expressed to my doc that I am not safe that would be a different matter. As it is, I'm more afraid of the tylenol content than I am of the narcotic!!! And besides, if I was going to overdose, i'd just as simply take the biggest bottle of tylenol at walgreens or Target to kill myself and my liver. So my frustration is high because I'm dealing with a professional that is clueless on mental illness. If I didn't need these drugs I would just say fuck you, you just signed my death certificate and walk away from him but he is still giving me what I need but at a very costly price when I have no income for the co pay or the 2 wk supply of meds...