There is a song by Toby Keith saying he wishes he was a cowboy. I just wish I was a boy. The other night I got drunk and told my nephew I was gay. His response was that was ok. Just that it was “morally wrong for two guys to be together”. I so want to escape this life. Some people will say that the afterlife may be worse than the one you are living. I think I will take my chances. This pain that I feel nearly every day has to be relieved some how some way. I cannot go on living this way knowing that each day is the same as the one before. Sure different things happen. But nothing new ever comes of it. I so dread going in to work on the weekends but I do it out of responsibility.
Part of me is still thinking in my juvenile way that I will turn into a boy the next day. I have known for a year now that it is not going to happen. My therapist truly accepts me or maybe she is just saying she is so I am not as much a psycho as I think I am. I hate everything about me.
I was talking to a friend of mine, and I’m not exactly sure how we got on the topic but she suggested that I have a HGH (human growth hormone) deficiency. It’s kind of late to find this out as I am shrinking because my discs are shriveling due to degeneration. I had always suspecting something with my hormone being messed up but I could not really go to a doc and say check my hormones. If anything I just want to be on testosterone to have the facial hair I dream of. To maybe decrease my breast mass. But I doubt that will ever happen. No one will accept me for me.
Tonight as it got closer to the end of my shift, I wondered if I could/would end this pain. I just need a stairwell, some rope or maybe even my belt. I need lethal methods because pills might not work. There is no way I can have a gun in this state and nor do I want one. I started reading Suicide the forever decision, and was again reminded that it is tough to kill a human being. The fight or flight instinct can be very strong despite the intense wish to die. The weird part is that as much as I think about ending my life, which is on a daily basis, I have no energy to actually go through with my plans. I might prep as much as I can, pick a date and all that stuff, but I have yet to actually attempt to take my life in the past 3 years of all this planning. I must really be a chicken. Which is why I need to be a cowboy.
OK...I do understand you (but not your cousin!!). Although, in my mind, being gay, and wishing you were the other gender are 2 different things. Let me explain. First of all, I have absolutely no problem with people being gay...although it sounds like a cliche, some of my very best, closest friends are gay. I happen to be heterosexual. I would say very heterosexual, just from previous gf's and as I have been married to the same lady for 24 years. i prefer female company to male (& my wife is the other way around!!). But, I am often intensely jealous of many of my female friends... Female clothing is much more exciting than male clothing...females have much more choice of colours, styles, type, you name it. It is more acceptable for a female to change her appearance with hair style, make-up, etc. Women can dress sexily, or formally, or casually, or...well any way. As a male, I have formal, or casual. Nothing much else. I can grow a beard (although I just did and found it is grey!). I love shopping for female clothing (not for me!! but for wife and friends). Sure, men and women can both have tattoos or similar, but women can paint their nails too...
ReplyDeleteBut if I was a woman, then I would have to be a lesbian...