I do not know who I am anymore. Last night in a fit of torment I threw down the gauntlet and told my ptx that I will die this weekend. I so wish I could act on these feelings. The brokenness inside kills me every night. The sorrow that is deep within my chest shall never be revealed nor relieved in any such way. I am just a freak who is suffering silently with only these words to fall on silent blogs. I only wish to end this daily torture. Animals are treated more humanly than human beings. It has been said that you control your own life and happiness. Well my happiness lies beneath the earth or as a pile of ash. I do not care what remains of my bodily essence. My consciousness is what is the death of me. I am not truly dying a slow death but am only being tortured every minute I dare to breath. This can't be what life is about. To go on suffering just so others do not feel your loss. I have snapped and I don't know if there is any coming back. I want to put a plastic bag over my head and die of asphyxia. Yes it may be painful but once that last breath is gone, I shall be free
Sent from my Palm Pre on the Now Network from Sprint
Hey there sweetie, you are a sensitive soul and do not deserve to not be who you want to be and be happy. Its hard living in a body and life that are not who you really are inside, and you are so strong. You know why? Because a coward would take the easy way out that you so often speak of, but the strong ones are the ones that keep that fight going, and that is you. You are strong whether you know it or not!!!!!
ReplyDeleteHave you ever tried to live the life you dream of? My dad used to tell me as a small child that I could be anything I wanted. So instead of playing with dolls and all that girly stuff, I worked on cars and learned how to weld. I worked welding for over 12 years, and at first when most men would see me, this 5'3" little blond girl showing up to do the weld jobs they would laugh at me, yet once they seen how good I was at it, they respected me because they seen the passion I put into being what I really wanted to be, no matter if it was supposed to be a mans job or not. You would not believe how many times they called me flash dance haha.
Not to be nosy or anything, just simply curious, do your family and friends really know who you are? inside who you want to be? Have you ever tried to live this life in general just to see how it feels and if you get the satisfaction and happiness that you yearn for? I came to a point in my life at one point that I realized that those that judged who I was or wanted to be, really were not so worried about my happiness but their own.
At that point I removed a lot of people from my life and only kept those that accepted me for who I was, and I continue to do this on a constant basis. Because I realized that having those people in my life, just made me more miserable then I was without them. Ever since I made that change and decided to live my life as the person I truly was, and kept only those who accepted me for who I was, was I finally able to find happiness.
If there is something you are missing and need in your life, do not let anything or anyone stand in your way of that life. It is not worth it. Eventually those that really love you, will come back and love the true you, but you need to at least try to live that life and see how it makes you feel.
Have you ever thought of having the hormone injections to give you more of the feeling of who you are inside? I do believe that the body you are born into is not necessarily the person you are inside that body, and sometimes you have to do what is best for you to make your own self healthy and happy mentally. Granted I have always been a girl, and am happy that way, but I do have friends that have had the complete change and once they have done it, its like they are totally different people. Its like now they shine because they are finally who they were meant to be. I am sure I am probably not the first one to say these things to you, but it is worth some thought. Sometimes our jobs, and people around us, are not as important as ourselves. If you cant love who you are, its hard for others to love you too. You have to be your own first priority. I will continue to hope and pray that one day you get to become that person, because you are such a gentle soul, you deserve it xoxo