It’s 3:30 in the morning. I have already taken my meds x 2 because I’m in so much pain I really don’t know what else to do and seeing that I can’t sleep anyways, what the hell. Past few days my left leg has been in really bad pain to the point that bearing any weight on it send me over the edge. Course this is messing with my PTSD big time because the same thing happened ten years ago exactly this time of the year, in exactly this way, that I ended up with a life changing event that I am still dealing with. See I was at a bar, 12 hrs after a chiropractic session for back pain that my leg gave out on me while standing and over the course of the next 3-4 days, my leg got weaker and weaker because a disc in my back ruptured and was compressing my nerves in the area known as the Cauda Equina (horse’s tail). These nerves and roots are what makes your legs, bowels, bladder, and sexual organs functions as well as give you sensory sensations in the skin below the waist. Compression to these nerve for any length of time causes damage, sometimes permanently to this delicate system. I had to re-learn to walk again when I was 25 years old and then again a few years ago, though it wasn’t as bad because only the upper leg was affected. Now because I can’t bear weight and I am not having back pain, I really don’t know what to make of it. Since having CES (Cauda Equina Syndrome), it messes up your whole pain reception. I don’t know if this flair up is because the weather is bad or because a disc is on its way out. And because I am in really bad pain, my thoughts are also keeping me awake with the worse case scenario. I always seem to find that if I think the worse that can happen, it usually doesn’t. Yet if I try and make something light, the worse DOES happen. Right now my nerve pain is so bad it feels like someone is taking a cheese grater to the bottom of my foot, turning it into hamburger. My calf muscle is clinging to my bones so tightly that I think the bone is ready to snap from the pressure. And if I put any weight on it to say take a step anywhere, it does feel like I have glass shards in my muscles. I really don’t know why this is happening. It could have been from the slip I had at the T station last week. It could have been that when that idiot driver hit my car, it also hit my back causing a disc to dislodge unbeknownst to me. I didn’t have any real back pain. Sure my hip has been bothering me but I have been attributing it to sitting too long and walking around the lab, which usually aggravates it.
The demons are planning on ways to kill me. I rather be dead than think I may have to have another surgery and that this is the beginning of CES x3. I told my therapist today I was going to end it after my shift tonight but I realized I couldn’t because yesterday was my niece’s birthday and I didn’t want to mess up her day. And I had a bunch of work obligations to go through tomorrow/today that needs to be sorted out. I figure I can kill myself after all that gets done. But the fucking moron ptx called me while I was at work demanding to know what I was going to do after work and if it didn’t “please” her, I was to go to the ER. Jerk. So to avoid going into the hospital to wreck my life more than it already is, I agreed to see her tomorrow, as I need to be in her part of the country anyway.
Huge snow storm is on its way. This must be the most snow I have ever seen in my life. I know the blizzard of 1978 forced a lot of people in bound as they couldn’t move until the streets were plowed and shoveled their way out. But we are getting the snow in spurts. And the feet just pile up with no where to put the new snow. Oh joy. I’m just glad I don’t have to shovel it!!
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