It’s 3:30 and I can't sleep. I have been trying to go to sleep for the past 2 hours to no avail. The nerve pain in my left leg has started up and it feels like some one is pinching me. Since my Godfather’s death last week, I have been in a weird state of mind where suicidal thoughts have been blunted. Now that my physical pain has started up again, I am thinking of ending it.
For the past two weeks, my neck has been hurting. I finally made an appointment with my PCP and of course he is away until Wednesday. Never ceases to amaze me that whenever I need him the most he is away. I'm not sure if this neck pain is due to the car accident I had a few weeks ago or if it's just because of stress.
I finally called the loan people. I have to pay more than I was expecting which means I'll have to work more in the chem lab than I would like. I am so tired right now to working in that place and the thought of having to work extra days to afford the loans is just killing me. But I have no choice. It's either I pay them the same amount or they garnish my wages that 15%. The nice thing about doing it this way is that after nine months I will be out of default and hopefully my credit will be better. I won't be totally fucked.
I again had a phone session with Bozo because I was just too lazy to get out of bed. I don't even remember what we talked about but she again reiterated what I was saying which totally annoyed me. We talked about my nephew for a little bit and his grandiose schemes, which I have to laugh because nobody seems to know what grandiose means. It's funny how psych babble seems to enter my vocabulary without me even being aware of it. Hard to believe that 10 years ago I was lying in a hospital bed wondering if I'll ever walk again. Around this time the staph infection, was making me very sick. And today I am able to walk but all I have left is this fricken pain that haunts me every night, causing me to lose sleep more than my depression ever could.
I am supposed to be off tomorrow. I hope that I sleep all day. I have not taken any Ativan tonight. But I just took 1200 mg of gabapentin to try and see if that controls this pain. I guess that is all I have to say for now.
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